Parenting Series: Congratulations, you’re building a brain!

When you bring your little one home for the first time, and it hits you that you’re going to be responsible for somehow turning this tiny creature into a grown up human being, what is really going to happen between now and then? How does a small ball of needs and instincts become a rational, emotionally regulated, self-sustaining being?

It might help to think of a child’s mind as a grown-up brain in progress. Not an empty cup to be filled with information, but rather a complex, dynamic system, creating meaning by building on everything it already knows to make sense of the next moment.

As children move through the world and encounter different experiences—challenges, victories, other humans large and small—their amazing, flexible brains will be wiring new connections, pruning old pathways that aren’t used much, making associations, and learning what they can and can’t take for granted about reality. When older babies and young toddlers go through that endearing phase of dumping everything out and throwing all their food on the floor, they are learning something surprisingly important: on this planet, things fall down! Every time!

As parents, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the shoulds and coulds and what-ifs being tossed our way by well-meaning outsiders. When your kiddo’s behavior seems incomprehensible (or infuriating), it might help to ask, “What part of their brain are they building right now?” Is your infant building foundational knowledge in their cerebellum about what it feels like to be safe? Is your elementary schooler creating a subcortical region that knows they can be imperfect without being rejected? Is your teen wiring new pathways for calculating risk in their neocortex that will help keep them safe when they’re away from your supervision?

Building a brain is a big job, but there’s some good news: we only have to get it right about a third of the time (Winnicott, 1953). In fact, it’s developmentally important for us to make mistakes as parents! Look for our blog post on the 30% rule to learn why imperfect parenting is the best kind.